The Keys to Isenguard
by WhiteSword6621
Summary: Merry and Pippin inherit Isenguard after Sauron is gone! What will they use it for? What will they do?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, it belongs to New Line Cinema, Peter Jackson, and most importantly, J.R.R Tolkein.  
  
This first chapter will be a bit more serious than the rest of the story, by the way!  
  
Four years after the Return of the King, Isengaurd was completely rebuilt. The tower remained of course, but the wall had been torn down, the fissures in the earth were patiently tended by the Ents until they had healed, and now what remained was a good, healthy rich soil and green grass as far as the eyes could see. The great leaders of Middle Earth were now proud of it. All that remained of course, was what to do with it. The leaders met in Rivendell, calling together the remaining members of the Fellowship, and the leaders of each major race. King Aragorn of Gondor, Eomer of Rohan, Gandalf the White, Elrond of Rivendell, King Thranduil and Legolas from Mirkwood, and the remaining of the Nine. Everyone gathered at Gondor, outside near the White Tree. They sat in a circle, all waiting. Aragorn spoke first.  
  
"We are here to debate the decision of who should receive the land of Isengaurd. First, are there are suggestions as to whom the land should go to?" Aragorn asked, looking around regally. It was Gandalf the White who spoke next.  
  
"The land should go to the person who most deserves it." Gandalf said slowly, his eyes sliding wisely around those gathered. Elrond of Rivendell spoke next.  
  
"Grant it not to the Elves. We have no need for more land, when many of us sail to the Gray Havens." Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
"Frodo. After all you have endured, surely you will take the land, as a gift from all the peoples of Middle Earth!" Faramir said joyfully, smiling at the Halfling. Frodo smiled, but shook his head.  
  
"I have the Shire, and I fear I too may leave this land soon. I do not want it, nor will I take it."  
  
"Samwise?" Gandalf asked, glancing at the silent hobbit to Frodo's right. Sam's eyes widened innocently in surprise, he looked to his right and his left, then up and down, and finally pointed at himself.  
  
"Me? Oh, no Mr. Gandalf, sir! The Shire is enough for me, Sirs." Sam said, looking nervous at having so many eyes upon him. Still, he smiled appreciatively that everyone thought of him. Frodo grinned encouragingly at him.  
  
"Aragorn. You take it. Add it to the lands of Gondor." Elrond said, smiling at his son in law. Aragorn shook his head.  
  
"Gondor is more than enough for me. Give it to another." Aragorn directed. Everyone looked around, searching for another recipient.  
  
"Eomer! Think of how Rohan will benefit from this!" Faramir said quickly.  
  
"Nay, I will not take it. I could never manage that and rebuild the destruction that has ravaged my country." He shifted uneasily in his chair. "Still, no one uh, tell my sister that the land was offered to us." He said quickly. Everyone nodded quickly, in silent agreement. Faramir only agreed too readily. He did not want to hear his wife ranting all night, keeping him up to the wee hours of the morning.  
  
"Faramir! You should govern the land!" Faramir shook his head quickly.  
  
"I have seen what power can do, and what it can destroy. I will be the guard and lesser lord of Rohan, that is all." Again, there was a collective agreement not to tell Eowyn.  
  
"Gandalf!" Someone called out in desperation. Gandalf pointed his staff at the offender. He had no want for land. The Wanderer, he would ever be.  
  
"Legolas, you take it!" Aragorn insisted. Legolas smiled at his friend.  
  
"I'm sorry, my friend. My heart lies in the deep forests, not the land that lies around it." There was a sigh from Frodo and Sam, as well as a few others, who wished the Elves would take it, since they would make the land beautiful and tend it carefully. Thranduil shot his son a glare. He wanted the land, at any rate.  
  
"What about Shelob?" A voice asked timidly. Everyone turned in there seat to stare at Eomer. Eomer shrugged.  
  
"Sorry. Just a suggestion!" Everyone slumped in their seats.  
  
"Well, Shelob wouldn't be THAT bad..." Faramir said thoughtfully. Legolas cleared his throat and stood up.  
  
"I am going to give a presentation." There were a couple of boo's and jeers. Legolas glared evilly at those who disagreed. "My presentation is title 'If We Give Isengaurd to Shelob.'" Legolas said carefully, pulling out a few posters. He held one up.  
  
"Exhibit A - Shelob. A ferocious, giant spider that has the ability to kill and maim. Exhibit B - Shelob finding a mate. Exhibit C - Shelob producing many MANY webs and THOUSANDS of baby spiders that would swarm about the earth! Exhibit D - The many baby spiders enslaving the earth, wreaking terror and mass destruction, with Shelob as the Queen of Middle Earth!" Legolas said, his voice growing louder. However, his posters must have been mixed up, because instead of showing millions of baby spiders swarming over the earth and Shelob laughing insanely, it showed a smiling cartoon Legolas and an orc smiling and skipping hand in hand through a field of flowers. Legolas coughed and turned red, flipping over the poster to show a spider biting a human child in half. Then he bowed and sat down. Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"Thank you Legolas. Okay, so many Shelob wasn't the greatest idea." Thranduil tensed in his chair, exapserated.  
  
"We've gone through every leader of every race! Who else is left! The dwarves?" He roared. A murmur passed through the people. The dwarves!  
  
"There are some spectacular caves under there, right?" Elrond muttered thoughtfully.  
  
"And the land would stay nice! The Ents could tend above, and the dwarves below!" Everyone shrank in their seats, feeling bad the Ents had not been included. However, Thranduil, his face red and apoplectic, leapt out of his seat.  
  
"I would hang my own son before I see beautiful land in the hands of a dwarf!" Legolas jumped up as well.  
  
"WHAT?" He shrieked, annoyed and angry. The others jumped up as well, some to restore peace, others to lecture Thranduil about the cruelty of racism, others to egg on the fight between father and son. Gandalf remained in his seat, his face buried in his hands.  
  
"Middle Earth is going to the dogs!" He groaned, glad that he would soon be leaving. Sam squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable at seeing the lords fighting. A small voice broke the tensed, noisy air.  
  
"I will take it! I will take the land!" Frodo cried, jumping out of his seat in desperation. Everyone was silenced and turned to stare at the Halfling.  
  
"You will take it, Frodo?" Aragorn asked, smiling. Finally! An end to the insanity! Frodo grinned as well.  
  
"Of course not. But hey, it worked last time!" Frodo said, seating himself. Everyone shot nasty glares at Frodo.  
  
"Wait!" Faramir suddenly cried, staring at something. Aragorn followed his stare.  
  
"Of course!" Aragorn exclaimed in realization. Everyone followed the stares to find the last remaining member. Or, cough, members!  
  
"Tig!  
  
"Tig tag!  
  
"Tog!"  
  
"Merry, you and I both know you can't 'Tig tag' a 'tog' unless it's Tuesday and we've just finished our second breakfast." Pippin explained impatiently to Merry. Both Hobbits were oblivious to the fact that the most important people in Middle Earth were watching them. Merry sighed, exasperated, looked away, then looked sharply back at Pippin.  
  
"What'd you do?" He asked accusingly. Pippin's eyes widened.  
  
"Me? Nothing! Honest!" He said. Both Hobbits turned to see everyone staring at them, smiling widely.  
  
"What?" Pippin asked faintly, confused. Gandalf smacked his forehead with his hand.  
  
"Them!" He moaned.  
  
"Them!" Aragorn answered proudly.  
  
MORE TO COME! PLEASE REVIEW WITH QUETIONS, COMMENTS, PLEASE NO FLAMES, BUT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS WELCOME! 


	2. Dissolving Council and Decisions

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. from it. It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and those people.  
  
Gandalf stood quickly.  
  
"Are you mad? Giving such a piece of land to this Fool of a Took and his rascal friend?" He thundered. Merry hit Pippin on the shoulder.  
  
"Hear that, Pip? We've inherited Isengard!" Pippin grinned and slid out of his chair.  
  
"Great! We'll take it!" Pippin announced grandly. There was a smattering of applause. Gandalf glared in rage.  
  
"They cannot have it! I will take it!" He said in desperation. Thranduil glared openly at Gandalf the White.  
  
"Don't be greedy, old man!" He snapped. Gandalf straightened in surprise.  
  
"Who are you calling old?" He asked snottily. Thranduil rolled his eyes.  
  
"Denial." He muttered. Gandalf's eyes widened in shock.  
  
"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!" Gandalf sneered. Aragorn glared haughtily at them both.  
  
"There will be none of this jealousy and arguing in my court!" He said, trying to break up the fight before it was a full out reenactment of Gandalf vs. Saruman.  
  
"Stop trying to be all high and mighty!" Legolas snapped angrily at Aragorn. He was still feeling ornery from the fight he had had earlier with his father. "Beat him with the stick, Gandalf!" Legolas muttered out of the corner of his mouth to Gandalf. Aragorn wheeled around to face Legolas.  
  
"I will not have you promoting war, Legolas! And I'm wasn't being all high and mighty!" Aragorn said, pouting. Legolas always spoiled his fun.  
  
"Yes, you were." Legolas snarled. Aragorn glared at him, then let his face go slack, put on a goofy smile and began to twirl his hair.  
  
"Oh look at me, I'm Legolas! A stupid, pretty elf who only cares about my hair!" Aragorn sang in a high voice. Legolas turned red.  
  
"I do NOT act like that, Aragorn!" Thranduil however, was now angry once more with his son.  
  
"BLOOD TRAITOR! How DARE you shame this family! First you and that horrible little dwarf become friends, now you befriend an insane human and insult me in front of everyone!" Thranduil shouted. Legolas tore his gaze away from the prancing Aragorn and glared at his father.  
  
"Why don't you just sail away, Father and leave me alone!" Legolas retorted.  
  
"Because I actually CARE about Mirkwood and don't want to see it burn to the ground because you accidentally left a candle burning while you slept!" Thranduil sneered.  
  
"Oh, ONE MISTAKE and suddenly I'm evil!" Legolas screamed.  
  
"EVIL!" Thranduil shouted, pointing viciously at Legolas, nearly poking out Gandalf's eye as he viciously jabbed towards his son. Aragorn was still mocking Legolas. Finally, Legolas stopped screaming at his father and turned to Legolas.  
  
"I DON'T act like that! And how do you like this!" Legolas said viciously. "ARWEN! ARWEN ARWEN ARWEN ARWEN ARWEN!" Legolas screamed. Arwen came running.  
  
"What is it?" She asked, worried. Her gaze fell to Thranduil, still pointing at Legolas, at Gandalf who was raising his staff to hit Thranduil over the head with, Aragorn who was twirling his hair and walking pigeon toed, and Legolas, shrieking at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Well, the last time we were in Rohan, you'll never guess what Aragorn did. You see," Legolas said viciously, venom pouring into his words. Aragorn screamed loudly and covered Legolas's mouth with his hand.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID BLONDIE!" Aragorn shrieked. Aragorn suddenly yelped in pain. Legolas had bit him. Aragorn pulled his hand away. Two bite marks were clearly visible, outlined in red. Aragorn stared in shock.  
  
"You bit me! Now I'm going to die because I was bitten by a rabid elf! I'm going to kill you first!" Aragorn shouted, pulling out Anduin and brandishing the sword. Legolas's face blanched, he began to scream in a very high pitched tone and began to run.  
  
"Have fun, boys." Arwen said, who had watched this exchange. Shaking her head, she retreated into the castle. There was a sharp crack as Gandalf whacked Thranduil over the head with the staff. Everyone settled back down.  
  
"Glad that's settled." Eomer said with a relieved sigh. There was a collective murmur. Elrond had buried his face in his hands. That was the son in law he was proud of?  
  
"Faramir, you take over as head of council." Gandalf advised. Faramir nodded and stood up.  
  
"I'm sorry, Lord Gandalf, but the land is going to Merry and Pippin." Faramir said, pulling out of his pocket the deed to Isengard. Pippin reached for it eagerly. Gandalf grabbed it.  
  
"No!" He shouted. Pippin's face fell.  
  
"Could I just hold,"  
  
"No."  
  
"Could I touch,"  
  
"No."  
  
"Could I smell,"  
  
"NO."  
  
"Could I taste,"  
  
"No."  
  
"Could I breathe,"  
  
"PEREGRIN TOOK DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT." He snarled. Pippin sighed and settled back in his chair, his eyes closed obediently.  
  
"Gandalf, give that deed to those Hobbits this instant." Elrond ordered, desperate to stop the insanity.  
  
"Who made you Lord of the Deed all of a sudden?" Gandalf asked with a snap. Elrond stood up.  
  
"Don't make me bring up the Shadowfax issue!" Elrond threatened. Suddenly, Eomer stood up.  
  
"I'm sick of this! I want to go home some time this Millennium!" He said with an angry sigh. He snatched the deed from Gandalf and handed it to Merry. Merry grinned and waved it in front of Pippin's face.  
  
"Look Pip, we're the Lord of Isengard!" Pippin said nothing. His eyes remained shut, his expression stayed the same.  
  
"Pip?" Merry asked, shaking him. Pippin's eyes snapped open.  
  
"What?" He asked groggily.  
  
"Were you asleep?" Asked Merry incredulously. Pippin smiled sheepishly.  
  
"Sorry, what'd I miss?" He asked. Eomer rolled his eyes.  
  
"Come, I'll bring you there. I've had enough." A loud, piercing yelp suddenly caused everyone to look up. Aragorn was walking back, looking smug. He sank down in his chair again.  
  
"This council is dissolved." He said, getting up again after banging a gavel on the arm of his chair.  
  
"ARAGORN, YOU SHUT ME IN THE BUTT WITH A FLAMING ARROW!" Everyone heard Legolas scream. The remaining (and conscious) members of the council looked at each other, then at Aragorn, then at Thranduil, and back towards where they heard Legolas screeching.  
  
"C'ya next time."  
  
"We'll have to do this again some time."  
  
"Yeah, maybe Rohan next time."  
  
"Great, see you there."  
  
"So, Aragorn, what happened in Rohan?" Asked Arwen, appearing as everyone else was running quickly towards the exit. Aragorn looked at the ground.  
  
"I won't be sleeping in my own bed tonight, will I?" He asked, disheartened. Arwen smiled smugly.  
  
"Probably...not." 


	3. Edoras and Eowyn's Wrath

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. from it. It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and those people.  
  
Eomer was grieved to learn that on his trail home he would be accompanied by (along with the two Hobbits) King Thranduil and Prince Legolas. Eomer was on his fastest horse, but it amounted to naught. He had to lead the Halflings, who were on small ponies named Sam and Frodo. (Pippin's pony is a girl...but no has yet figured out if Pippin knows or cares. Frodo however, refused to speak to him for a week.) Eomer gritted his teeth and listened tiredly to the elves behind him arguing.  
  
"And what about that arrow shooting incident?" Thranduil asked hotly.  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"You shot me in the eye with an arrow!"  
  
"Excuse me, but it wasn't my fault! It ricocheted off the wall!" Legolas protested.  
  
"We were OUTSIDE and I was forty feet above you in a balcony!" Thranduil screamed. "I was out of the throne for 3 weeks!"  
  
"Well, I took over and it was fine!" Legolas argued. Thranduil glared at his son, his face red and his eyes bulging.  
  
"You nearly burned down Mirkwood and the second day of your reign you let the spiders take over!"  
  
"Just for a day! And I thought it was kind of me, letting them have power for once."  
  
"They rampaged through the city killing at will!"  
  
"Yes, well...your eye is just fine, isn't it?" Legolas snapped back.  
  
"Would you two shut up?" Eomer asked, vexed, turning in the saddle to glare at them. Suddenly, an arrow fitted in Legolas's bow was being pointed at his forehead.  
  
"I've been shot in the butt with an arrow. Leave me alone." He growled. Eomer sighed and turned around again, shaking his head. Pippin and Merry hadn't seemed to notice any of the disturbances.  
  
"Why'd Gandalf ever get mad at us for setting off the fireworks, anyway?" Pippin asked curiously. Merry shrugged.  
  
"No idea. We completely turned that party around!" Merry confided.  
  
"I know. Poor Frodo. He didn't seem to notice his party was a dud before we showed up. He's never known." Pippin said sadly.  
  
"Eh, well, despite our schedule, booked as it may be, I'm sure that we'll be able to make it next year. Everyone'd be so disappointed if they knew we weren't coming." At this, Pippin nodded enthusiastically. Eomer listened halfheartedly to these two conversations as they followed the river Anorien north. When they finally reached Rohan, Eomer bid a not so fond farewell to the Elves and they rode off, still bickering.  
  
"Come, Halflings, we have more miles to go." Eomer said tiredly. They stopped to rest at Edoras. Faramir was following behind, since he had stayed an extra night at Gondor. Eomer suspected he did not want to return to his wife. Merry and Pippin said a hasty hello to Eowyn and headed off to find the kitchen. Eowyn followed them, and offered to make them some soup. Pippin almost said yes, but Merry smacked him on the back and declined. He remembered Aragorn's tale of her soup. He had spent two hours behind a bush, emptying his bowels and his stomach of the 'toxic' soup. So instead, they raided the cabinets and drawers, hunting down food of all kinds and eating it.  
  
Night fell shortly, and Merry and Pippin were given a room of their own. Merry settled under the covers and closed his eyes, but Pippin was wide awake, staring without cease at something across the room.  
  
"Hey, Merry!" Pippin whispered, hitting his friend on the shoulder. "Look!" He hissed. Merry, without opening his eyes, replied,  
  
"Don't even think about touching it."  
  
"But,"  
  
"Remember last time?"  
  
"Yes but,"  
  
"NO, Pip." Merry said firmly. Glaring at Merry, Pippin sank under the covers. However, none of them got much sleep because shortly after Faramir arrived home, Eowyn exploded. Her voice rang out throughout the city. Pippin couldn't make out much of it, but he did catch 'scum', 'idiot', 'fool', and 'good for nothing son of a steward'. Merry sighed and slid out of bed, vanishing out of the room. When he returned, he handed a carrot to Pippin and kept one for himself.  
  
"Midnight snack. Oh, and you can use the leafy top to plug your ears, Pip." Merry suggested. They chewed away happily, and stuffed the leaves from the carrot inside their ears. They sank into a content sleep minutes later.  
  
As useful as the leaves were, the maid who came to wake them screamed and ran out, dashing to Eomer's room and claiming that either the Hobbits were very sick or were no longer just Hobbits. Eomer, very grumpily, got up and stomped into the Hobbit's room. Wearily, he showed her the leaves.  
  
"Ear plugs, Jenna. Merely ear plugs." He told her. The maid blushed.  
  
"Right, Sire." Jenna said demurely, hurrying away. The Hobbits were woken by Eomer, who then left and went to get dressed. After breakfast, (during which the Hobbits ate nearly half the kitchen) they saddled up again, passing a forlorn and haggard looking Faramir. Eomer looked at him with pity.  
  
"I'll be back soon." He assured him. Faramir nodded and gingerly rubbed his cheek, where he remembered the thorough slapping his wife had given him.  
  
"Hurry." Faramir said glumly, settling back into his makeshift bed in the stable. 


	4. Ents and Pipeweed Don't Mix

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. from it. It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and those people.  
  
Eomer was true to his word and escorted the Halflings across Rohan and onto the doorstep of Isengard.  
  
"Welcome to Isengard. If you need anything, we're neighbors." Eomer told them. At the eager look on their faces, he hastily added "But don't drop by for just anything. If it's serious, like hordes of orcs are descending upon your land. If it's something small and trivial, like needing to borrow an egg or cup of flour, or Pippin's bleeding to death, don't bother me." With those wise, last parting words, Eomer rode off. Pippin and Merry stood gazing at Isengard, and their new home, which used to be called Orthanc.  
  
"It needs a new name, Pip. Orthanc doesn't suit it." Indeed it didn't. The tower, which had once been a dull gray, was now shiny silver with a golden roof.  
  
"I like Pippin Land!" Pippin said at once. Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
"No Pip, something good like...Merry's Magic Paradise!" Merry said greedily. Pippin sighed.  
  
"No Merry. That's stupid. Hey, what about Isen Tower?" He suggested. Merry shrugged.  
  
"Nah. Too bland."  
  
"I know, I know! What about Orthanc?" Merry stroked his chin thoughtfully.  
  
"You know, if I had a beard, I'd stroke it. Orthanc...hmm...I like it! Orthanc it is!" Merry exclaimed proudly. They stood in silence for a minute. Suddenly, Pippin's mouth was off and running.  
  
"I'm going to put a swimming pool over there, and a whole field of apples there, oh and over there a tennis court, and in that corner, I think I want cows Merry! Cows!" Pippin cried excitedly. He was about to dash off and plan some more when Merry grabbed his arm.  
  
"Now Pip," He said in a serious tone, "We've just inherited something very big and valuable. We've got to think rationally and beneficially. Something like this requires much careful thinking." Merry cautioned to him. The dynamic duo stood in silence once again. Suddenly, they both turned to each other, their faces split into wide grins.  
  
"PIPEWEED!" They both cried at once.  
  
It wasn't long before their plan was put into action. The Shire folk sent up barrel by barrel of what was needed to grow pipe weed. Merry and Pippin sat inside, looking at the hundreds of barrels before them.  
  
"We should plan today Merry. The weather's good." Pippin said, still slumped lazily in his chair. Merry was sprawled over his armchair, an apple near his lips.  
  
"Sure. Go ahead outside Pip, and I'll be there in a minute." He promised without a thought. Pippin sighed. It was never going to get done. His gaze rested on the green tops of Fangorn.  
  
"Unless..."  
  
Both Hobbits were standing at the edge of the forest.  
  
"Ready?" Merry asked. "Okay, one, two, three!"  
  
"TREEBEARD! TREEBEARD! TREEBEARD TREEBEARD TREEBEARD TREEBEARD TREEBEARD!" They both shouted into the maze of trees until finally they heard slow, heavy footsteps coming towards them. Finally, the deep eyes of Treebeard the Ent gazed reproachfully down at them.  
  
"Hroom hm! Hello my little noise makers! What is so hroom, important that you raise such a calamity?" He asked slowly. Pippin's eyes shone as he answered.  
  
"We need help planting something." He said excitedly. The deep eyes in front of them suddenly seemed to glow.  
  
"Planting something? Hroom hm! The Ents will be there!" Treebeard roared in approval, striding off again, trumpeting loudly to raise the news. Pippin strode triumphantly back to the tower and he and Merry began bringing the barrels outside. Suddenly, Merry tugged on Pippin's sleeve, looking panicked.  
  
"Pippin! They can't plant this!" He hissed as he saw the Ents emerge from the forest, hroom-ing and trumpeting cheerfully in full force. Pippin continued to smile, thinking of how soon he'd have pipe weed everywhere and how he'd never want again.....  
  
"Pip! Pipe weed, think! Ents and pipe weed?"  
  
"Beautiful mix." Pippin sighed dreamily, his eyes glazed and looking off into the distance. Merry began to shake him.  
  
"Not beautiful! Pippin, when they see the pipe weed," Merry began but Pippin swiped him away.  
  
"Calm down Merry. You always worry. I've got it under control this time." He soothed, taking out his pipe and lighting it. He puffed away in content. By now, the Ents had reached them.  
  
"Where is the hroom, things for planting, Master Pippin and Master hroom, Meriadoc?"  
  
"Right there." Pippin said, pointing to a barrel while Merry glared at him, making threatening motions, like drawing his hand across his neck over and over while making angry gurgling noises. An Ent smiled kindly at him and patted him on the head a little too forcefully and knocking him onto the ground.  
  
"There there, hroom hm, little one. Soon you will have beautiful hroom, fields." The Ent said with a gentle tone. The Ents all descended upon the barrels, nearly tearing them open in their excitement. But one by one, they all stopped and stood straight and tensely. Treebeard looked from barrel to barrel, his gaze growing more and more astonished.  
  
"You would have us plant these, hroom hm, DEAD THINGS into these fields?" Treebeard asked in a quiet, smoldering anger. Pippin looked up, his eyes suddenly wide and understanding. He looked to where Merry was lying on the ground rubbing his head.  
  
"Ohh." He said quietly. Merry glared at him.  
  
"Get it now?"  
  
"YOU WOULD HAVE US TEAR UP THESE HROOM HM, FIELDS WITH THESE HROOM PLANTS YOU HAVE DESTROYED AND DISGRACED? NEVER WILL THE ENTS DO SUCH A HROOM HM, THING!" Treebeard roared. He gently picked up one leaf. "This, this was my hroom, friend Tenberithil! I knew him since he was hm hroom, tiny acorn!" Treebeard said in a pained voice. Another Ent was drawn out of his shocked state and shouted as well.  
  
"You might have turned our beloved herooom, Entwives into dead leaves!" He roared in anger and pain. Merry and Pippin were now backing up slowly as the Ents advanced, bellowing in rage and anger. A strange fire was lit in their eyes. Suddenly, Pippin dropped the match he had been using to light his pipe and it caught on a barrel of pipe weed. The Ents looked both outraged and scared as the fire began to burn and grew higher.  
  
"FIRE! HROOM HM, OUR ENEMY! RETREAT!" One of them shouted. The Ents began to head back into the forest. Pippin shrieked as the pipe weed burned. Immediately, he began to beat out the fire with his cloak. When the fire was out, he and Merry stared after the retreating pipe weed.  
  
"Well...that went well." Pippin said in a dejected voice as they looked over the army of opened barrels.  
  
"I guess we'll have to...do it ourselves?" Merry said in a slow voice. Pippin cringed.  
  
"Okay."  
  
MORE TO COME! 


	5. Faramir and Planting

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, it belongs to New Line Cinema, Peter Jackson, and most importantly, J.R.R Tolkein.  
  
"Merry," Pippin panted as he bent over, planting some pipe weed, "Isn't it ironic that this is the same place where we realized we'd never done a hard day's work, and now we are, in the same place?" Merry looked over at Pippin from his own row. His back hurt, and he had lost all patience from the beginning.  
  
"Yes Pip. Really ironic. How much longer do we have to do this?" He grumbled. Pippin straightened, rubbing his sore back. His face was smudged with dirt and the sweat that mingled with it. He could feel the streams of sweat running down his body in cool trails.  
  
"We've only planted about 1/5 of it!" Pippin said, disheartened. Merry groaned, throwing down his shovel and plopping himself down on the ground. Pippin followed suit. "It feels like we've been working for three days!" He moaned. Merry looked over, glaring.  
  
"Pip, it's been an hour. And you sat in the shade for half of it, remember?" Merry growled. Pippin cocked his head, smiling.  
  
"Oh yes!" He recalled. Merry shook his head.  
  
"Let's call it a day, Pip." Both Hobbits got up and went inside, each heading to their own room to bathe. After a little while, they regrouped in the kitchen. Merry began to look in the cabinets, pulling out whatever looked good. Pippin however, would steal the jars of food or bowls of food as Merry would duck back into the cabinet. He was munching a carrot when Merry straightened up and stole an apple from the bowl in front of him.  
  
"Thanks for sharing, Pip." He teased. Pippin smiled and shrugged apologetically.  
  
"Know what's missing?" Pippin asked with a giggle. Merry, who was lounging in his chair, looked over lazily.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ale." Pippin said with a smack of his lips. Merry sat up quickly.  
  
"You're right Pip. We need some to celebrate our ownership of Orthanc." Merry decided. It wasn't long before the Hobbits had managed to scrounge up some ale. A pint each, just as Pippin kept insisting. They clinked their mugs and began to drink. The warm ale flowed easily down their throats, the foaming tickling the walls of their mouths. Finally, they both headed up to bed with full, content stomachs. They climbed into their own beds and pulled up the covers.  
  
"Merry?" Pippin whispered in the darkness. Merry had been lying propped up on his side, waiting.  
  
"Yes Pip?" Pippin pulled the covers tighter around himself.  
  
"Will you tell me a story?" Pippin asked. Merry smiled. He asked for a story every night.  
  
"Sure Pippin. Do you remember when we were little? The first time we got into Farmer Maggot's crops?" Merry asked dreamily, lying down. He crossed his arms behind his head and rested his head in the middle.  
  
"Not really." Pippin said, struggling to remember the occasion. Merry smiled.  
  
"I do. Remember it like it was yesterday." Pippin smiled and snuggled a bit more, settling in the story.  
  
"See, we were young. Probably about, say, eight years old."  
  
"We were young!" Pippin injected in a surprised voice.  
  
"Yup. Really young." Merry said patiently, used to interruptions. "Anyway, we were at Bag End, and Bilbo was watching us, because we were playing with Frodo. Frodo ended up overturning an entire jar of jelly (and it was a pretty big jar) and Bilbo was trying to clean him up. Frodo wasn't helping by smearing it on his jacket and screaming 'sandwich', but then again, we weren't helping either. We were hungry, so we kept asking for food. But Bilbo was so preoccupied, he just kept saying wait a minute. Then, we saw a cart passing, full of food. Instantly, we were out the door and following the cart. It was Farmer Maggot, who was too stingy with his own food. Wouldn't eat his own crops, just so he'd have more than enough. He went into his house, and we found the fields. We went in and started pulling stuff off vines, stuffing it into our mouths. When we found something new to eat, we'd throw the old thing away and pick up the new vegetable. After an hour, we were lying in the field, eating an apple each, when Farmer Maggot found the other stuff. He thought rabbits did it, and started screaming and yelling. But he followed the trail and found us. So we started to run! Down the hill and back towards the Shire. Course, Farmer Maggot chased us halfway there. But that first taste was enough. We were hooked." Merry said in content. He looked over. Pippin was asleep, dead to the world, his curls sprawling over his forehead. Merry grinned and turned over so he could see the moon.  
  
"Night, Pip."  
  
When morning came, the two Hobbits agreed to get back to work. They'd been laboring for three hours when they heard the sound of hooves beating the ground and turned. There was Faramir astride his horse, racing towards them. He dismounted shortly before reaching the Hobbits and waved in greeting. They ran over, glad for some new company.  
  
"Faramir! What brings you to our fine establishment?" Asked Merry cheerfully, hooking his thumbs through his belt loops. Faramir smiled.  
  
"Oh, well, the, uh, desire to see the country." Faramir stammered, his smile seemingly glued in place. Merry and Pippin glanced at each other and shook their heads. Faramir clasped his hands behind his back and began to shift back and forth. "Do you mind if I stay the night?" He asked after a moment of the two Halflings just staring at him. Pippin smiled.  
  
"Your welcome to! We've got guest rooms!" He informed him. Faramir smiled, looking relieved.  
  
"Thanks. Hey, need a hand?" He asked as he saw the unfinished rows of pipe weed.  
  
"Sure, if you're up to it!" Merry said with a shrug. With Faramir's help, they got half of the pipe weed planted. After they had all bathed, they settled down in the kitchen and had a second dinner, then went into the living room. The Hobbits both settled down on the couch, and Faramir took a big chair away from windows.  
  
"So how long are you staying?" Merry asked. Faramir smiled nervously and folded his hands.  
  
"Just tonight."  
  
"Why not stay a week? Have a real vacation?" Pippin suggested, taking a swig of his ale. Faramir coughed and peeked out the window.  
  
"Best to keep moving." He admitted. Merry sighed.  
  
"You know, Eowyn seemed like a real nice person." Faramir smiled.  
  
"No one said she can't be a nice person sometimes. It's just...today she was being TOO nice. I figured she was plotting something, since I figure she's still angry about me not accepting Isengard. So I left." Faramir confided. The Hobbits nodded in agreement.  
  
"Probably better that way." Pippin said with a confident nod.  
  
The next morning, Faramir rode away, towards Mirkwood, and the Hobbits stared out over their half planted fields.  
  
"I hate work." Pippin said miserably. Merry clapped him on the back.  
  
"Same Pip. But it's something we've got to do." He said grimly. 


	6. The Art of the Deal

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, it belongs to New Line Cinema, Peter Jackson, and most importantly, J.R.R Tolkein.  
  
THE ART OF THE DEAL  
  
Merry stood gob smacked behind Pippin. Pippin was standing smugly, looking quite pleased with himself. Merry shook his head, trying to clear the haze in his head.  
  
"How did you get that, Pip?" Merry asked again. Pippin eyed his prize with a satisfied look.  
  
"Well, a farmer was passin' through and said he was looking to get rid of these, so we made a trade." Pippin explained. Merry's eyes widened in admiration and he beamed at his friend.  
  
"Wow! Great Pip! What'd you trade?" He asked. Pippin turned away nervously.  
  
"Uh...nothing you'll, I mean we'll miss in a hurry." He offered with a small laugh. Merry shook his head. He didn't want to think of all the foolish trades Pippin could've made. At the moment, if he didn't know, it would be better.  
  
"Good job, Pip. Looks like we'll finish the job today!" Merry said proudly. He walked over to their new horse. It looked a bit tired, but it had strong muscles and seemed used to having the plow on it's back. Merry patted it on the shoulder. It was nearly three times his size. But what did it matter? The pipe weed field would be done in no time now. Pippin grinned happily and slapped the horse's hind quarters.  
  
"I know! Git along, horse! Yah!" Pippin yelled excitedly. The horse began to pull. The sharp blades of the plow sliced through the rich soil and Pippin and Merry ran along behind, jumping and clapping in delight. In about two hours, the entire field was done. Pippin and Merry clasped hands and began to jump around.  
  
"We did it! We did it! A hard day's work!" Pippin shrieked. Merry kept laughing as they spun around. They led the horse to a stream and then filled a bucket with vegetables and headed inside. Pippin settled into his chair, throwing his feet onto the footrest. Merry settled into his own chair and reached over to the end table for his own pipe. His hand closed over air. Alarmed, his hand scrabbled over the entire surface. He leaned over, looking. Nothing.  
  
"Pippin, have you seen my pipe?" Merry asked, panicking. Pippin froze.  
  
"N-no! Course not, Merry. Why would I have seen your pipe?" Pippin stuttered. Merry whipped around.  
  
"You did something." He said in an accusing voice. Pippin offered his most charming smile.  
  
"What did you do with my pipe, Pippin?" Merry thundered. Pippin shrank in his chair.  
  
"T-traded it for the horse and plow?" He said, blinking furiously and smiling weakly. Merry groaned and flopped back against the back of his chair.  
  
"Now what am I going to use when the pipe weed grows?" He moaned. Pippin smiled.  
  
"This is an emergency, right? We can ask Eomer!" Pippin said quickly, pleased with himself for coming up with an answer. However, fortunately for both Eomer and the Hobbits, there was a sudden knock on the door.  
  
"Pippin! Merry! Are you home?" Asked a desperate sounding voice. The Hobbits turned to each other, amazed.  
  
"Legolas?!" Down they ran to the door. When they opened it, they were stunned to see the blonde prince panting.  
  
"May I come in?" He asked, breathing heavily. The Hobbits nodded eagerly, glad for more company.  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Make yourself at home!"  
  
"Have a seat?"  
  
"Hungry?'  
  
"Thirsty?"  
  
"Tired?"  
  
"Do you have pipe by any chance?" The Hobbits asked, each asking a question in turn, with Pippin getting the last question. Legolas laughed, taking a seat and turning the chair away from the window.  
  
"Thanks. No, no, no, and yes, actually." Legolas said in response. His eyes gleamed at the last question. "Actually, would you do me a favor?" Pippin nodded. "Great! Would you accept this, as a gift?" Legolas asked, holding out a beautifully carved pipe. Pippin's eyes shone and he snatched it up.  
  
"It's perfect, Merry!" He whispered in excitement. Suddenly, they could hear heavy hooves beating the ground.  
  
"Legolas Greenleaf, you stupid elf! Where are you?" They all heard. Legolas froze.  
  
"I must go. Farewell!" Legolas whispered, running out the door and jumping into the saddle of his horse. The Hobbits watched in astonishment as the Prince raced off and the King of Mirkwood gave chase.  
  
"You better run, you good for nothing prince of evil! When I get my hands on you, I'll teach you to steal my pipe and draw mustaches with black marker on my face!" Thranduil screamed. Indeed, if you looked close enough (which few choose to do) you could see a black mustache, a goatee and horns. Pippin hastily shut the door.  
  
"Let's....go to bed, shall we?" Pippin shoved the pipe into Merry's hand and went past him.  
  
"Yes, let's." Merry growled, stomping after Pippin. 


	7. Ent Draught and Giant Hobbits

Disclaimer – I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. (Except for the plot I created) It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and Peter Jackson and co.  
  
When they woke the next morning, the pair of Hobbits rushed to the windows.  
  
"Where is it?" Pippin cried excitedly, as they ran out to the balcony. "Where's the pipe weed?" He shouted. They hit the railing of the balcony hard, nearly tumbling over the edge in their haste. They both stared in confusion.  
  
"But...where is it?" Merry asked, blinking rapidly, trying to process.  
  
"But we did everything right!" Pippin cried indignantly. Suddenly, it came to Merry. He smacked his friend's arm.  
  
"Pippin, you ninny! Of course it hasn't grown yet! Don't you remember the crops in the Shire? They took weeks to grow!" Merry said with exasperation, feigning complete wisdom. Pippin's face fell in dismay.  
  
"Weeks?! But that'll take....weeks! I can't even count how many days that could be! Merry...we...I...you...we've got to do something!" Pippin cried.  
  
"Unless you've got another brilliant idea Pippin, we've struck out for now." Merry said glumly, resting his head in his palm.  
  
"It's your turn for an idea, Merry." Pippin told him accusingly.  
  
"Wait! What if we, no, that'll never work." Merry sighed.  
  
"But what about, nah. That won't work either." Pippin said sadly.  
  
"What if... never mind."  
  
"But what about- forget it." The Hobbits stood in silence. They were at a stalemate. A few minutes passed....then a few more.....then ten more.....then more minutes passed....then some more minutes passed....a couple more right here...woah, twenty minutes just zoomed by right here...and then SUDDENLY!  
  
"I've got it!" Merry cried, excited by his own brilliance.  
  
"Let's have it!" Pippin wheedled, eager for a solution. Merry grabbed Pippin's shoulders and turned it to Fangorn Forest.  
  
"There." Pippin's face fell, dismayed.  
  
"There? Merry, I can't see it! All the trees are in the way!" He complained, craning his neck to try and see around or possible over the trees. Merry rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, you nitwit. Do you remember the Ent Draught?" Merry asked slyly. Pippin sighed, sounding thoroughly exasperated and even exhausted.  
  
"Merry, how many times have we been through this? We all know I'M the taller one. I mean, come on! I'm pushing four feet, and you're...what, three foot nine?" Merry scowled.  
  
"You're completely mental. I'M the taller one, and that's not the point! D'you remember what the Ent Draught did?"  
  
"Yeah, we got taller. And?" Pippin said annoyed, still waiting for the point. Merry resisted the urge to throttle his friend.  
  
"If we get the Ent Draught, we can bring it back and make the pipe weed grow!" Merry stated the obvious. Pippin's eyes suddenly lit up.  
  
"OH!"  
  
"C'mon Pip, just a bit further!" Merry whispered. They were creeping through the forest back to where the Ent Draught was. Faintly, the two could hear the slush of the water. They ran ahead eagerly and found it soon enough. Happily, they pulled out a jug and let the water flow in.  
  
"This way, it'll grow in no time!" Pippin hissed, quite pleased with the way things were going. Suddenly, they heard the sound of a familiar crashing sound.  
  
"Treebeard!" They hissed in unison. They tried to run, but instead ran in a circle and smacked into each other.  
  
"Quick, hide it!" Merry whispered, putting the jug to Pippin's lips. Pippin began to drink it at a furious pace. Treebeard entered the clearing.  
  
"Hroom hm! I thought you two hroom, troublemakers were going to leave us hm, alone!" He roared in indignation. "What are you hm, doing here?" He thundered.  
  
"Nothing!" Merry answered quickly. Pippin dropped the jug to the forest floor, where it landed with a thump, and then burped satisfactorily, licking his lips.  
  
"That was good." Suddenly, there was a loud groaning noise, and Pippin suddenly shot up. He rocketed upwards past the trees. Treebeard trumpeted with alarm, and Merry threw himself to the ground to avoid the sudden falling of leaves.  
  
"Giant Hobbit!" Treebeard screamed, hurrying away as 'non hastily' as possible. Pippin screamed.  
  
"Giant Hobbit? Where?" Then he saw a tiny twig running away. Frightened, he began to jump about until he felt something on his foot, and heard a tiny voice.  
  
"Pippin! Calm down!" Merry was shouting.  
  
"Merry?" He asked incredulously, dropping down to sit on his heels.  
  
"You drank too much water, Pippin!" Merry shouted.  
  
"Oh. Well how do we fix it?" Pippin asked. Merry covered his ears when Pippin spoke. The sheer size of his voice made the ground rumble.  
  
"I don't know!" Merry yelled up. Suddenly, Merry spotted something he had never noticed before. There were a pile of breadish looking things that looked slightly like Lembas. Next to it was a tiny sign reading 'EAT IN CASE OF EMERGENCY'. This, Merry figured, was an emergency. He picked up a couple.  
  
"Eat these!" He yelled up. Pippin extended his huge hand, and Merry placed the bread in his hand. Pippin popped it into his mouth and suddenly shrank back to his normal size.  
  
"Let's get out of here." Pippin suggested. He quickly refilled the jug and the pair dashed out of the forest, back to Isengard. 


	8. Problems with Pipeweed

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. (Except for the plot I created) It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and Peter Jackson and co.  
  
Pippin and Merry stared forlornly at the small jug of water they had brought back. It had been hardly enough for half a row of pipe weed.  
  
"How is this going to work?" Pippin mused. Merry sighed and clapped Pippin on the shoulder.  
  
"It was a good plan Pippin. Too bad we couldn't get enough water." He said sadly, turning away.  
  
"Wait!" Pippin cried excitedly. "I know how we can get more water!" Pippin's eyes gleamed with an idea...  
  
"PULL! C'mon there, horse, get a move on!" Merry shouted. The horse Pippin had traded for was pulling a bath tub back towards Isengard. It was filled to the brim with Ent Draught, and was making halting progress towards the rows of pipeweed. Merry and Pippin each held two jugs of the same substance, and were now encouraging the horse to pull faster. After a long time, the horse reached the destination, nearly foaming at the mouth and slick with sweat. Merry and Pippin worked hard, emptying their jugs and then filling them in the tub, only to spill them out over the plants again. It took awhile, but finally they were finished. Exhausted from the strain of the work, they headed inside and flopped down in their beds as the moon rose high. If they hadn't been in such deep sleeps, they would have heard a strange moaning and groaning from down below them. Because the Hobbits were so exhausted from lugging the bath tub, they slept until noon. When Merry finally rejoined the living world, the first thing that met his ears was a loud trumpeting and thumping sound. Moaning, he turned over and shoved his hands over his ears.  
  
"Pip! Get up! Sam must've forgotten to feed Bill the pony again!" He grumbled. Pippin gave a loud snore. Frustrated, Merry picked up a spoon off the bedside table and chucked it at Pippin. Pippin sat up with a start, looking around frantically.  
  
"All right, all right!" He yawned. He swung his feet out of bed and shuffled over to the balcony. He looked out, yawned again and turned around, seeing nothing wrong and ready to go back to bed. Suddenly, he whirled back around.  
  
"Merry! Merry! C'mere, look at this!" He shrieked, near hysterics. Grumbling, Merry slid out of bed and joined Pippin, his eyes widening. Below them, looking like dried out Ents, the pipeweed was up and walking and bellowing, nearly twelve feet tall. 


	9. The Rule Book

Disclaimer - I don't own LOTR, any characters, events, plots, settings, etc. (Except for the plot I created) It belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and Peter Jackson and co.  
  
Merry stared stupidly at the pipeweed.  
  
"I don't believe this!" He said in disbelief.  
  
"What are we going to do?" Pippin asked.  
  
"I don't know." Merry answered truthfully. "Just...wait it out. Or something."  
  
"Let's try talking to one!" Pippin suggested eagerly. "HEY! HEY YOU! C'MERE!" Pippin shouted at a particularly close Pipeweed. It looked over at them and came closer, so large the earth seemed to shake as it walked.  
  
"Don't talk to them Pippin!" Merry hissed.  
  
"Well, then what are we going to do?" Pippin asked. The pipeweed was still standing below them, waiting. Merry took a deep breath.  
  
"All right. I'm going to talk to one." He leaned over the balcony and looked down at the waiting Pipeweed. "You! Down there!"  
  
"Yes?" The pipeweed answered, looking up expectantly. Merry's mouth opened and closed a few times before he could think of what to say next.  
  
"You're not supposed to be alive! What are you doing anyway?" Merry asked crossly, waiting the other Pipeweed huddling together.  
  
"We are waging war." The Pipeweed answered.  
  
"WHAT?!" Merry and Pippin yelped in unison.  
  
"We are going to take over this place, and be our own masters." The pipeweed said. Merry grabbed Pippin's arm and pulled him inside.  
  
"All right Pip, I'm going to ride to Edoras and ask for Eomer's help. If they want a war, they'll get a war!" Merry said determinedly. Pippin nodded.  
  
"And what will I do?" Merry was quiet a moment.  
  
"You just...stay inside and don't talk to them." Merry ordered. An hour later, Merry had saddled his pony and was riding off toward Edoras. Pippin sat in his armchair.  
  
"Here I am. Staying inside and not talking to the pipeweed."  
  
FIVE SECONDS LATER  
  
"Well that was boring! Now, what am I going to do?" Pippin asked himself, jumping out of his chair.  
  
TWO HOURS LATER  
  
Merry arrived at Isengard three hours after setting out. He put away his pony Sam and was about to go inside when he heard something familiar, coming from the back of the house. Merry quietly went to investigate. His jaw dropped.  
  
"Tig tag tog." Pippin said joyfully, tapping the Pipeweed, who was sitting on the ground with an amused expression.  
  
"Tog."  
  
"Tog tag." Pippin answered. The pipeweed smiled.  
  
"No, that's against the rules. If you want to reply 'tog tag' after a 'tog' and previously having said 'tig tag tog', then you have to put a cat in a tree and eat three waffles." The pipeweed scolded.  
  
"Pippin! What are you doing?" Merry asked incredulously.  
  
"I got bored." Pippin answered with a shrug.  
  
"And you're playing TIG with a PIPEWEED?"  
  
"Not just ANY pipeweed Merry...this is Pete." Pete raised a hand as a greeting. Merry waved back happily, then remembered he was angry.  
  
"Pippin, your supposed to be inside! We're at war!"  
  
"Oh, but I think I was finally starting to win!" Pippin whined. Pete shook his head.  
  
"No, Master Peregrin, you had lost twenty seven times consecutively in a row. This was about to be twenty eight." Pete explained. Pippin sighed and nodded. Merry grabbed Pippin's shoulders and forced Pippin to face him.  
  
"You lost at a game we MADE UP and only WE make up the rules?" He asked in shock. Pippin shook his head and smiled wisely.  
  
"I couldn't help it. Pete has the rule book!" Pippin explained. Pete held up a rather large, thick book entitle 'The Complete and Official Rules to the Game of Tig.' Merry's jaw dropped.  
  
"I don't believe it." He muttered. "C'mon." He snapped, dragging Merry inside. "Anyway, Eomer is rounding up the Riders of Rohan, and he's sending a messenger to Gondor. Help is on the way." Merry explained contentedly, settling down in his chair and closing his eyes, trying to forget the rule book.  
  
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